Becoming Skilled Sailors

Quarantine Diaries…Volume I

So here we are in the midst of a time that very much seems surreal…the Covid-19 (Coronavirus) pandemic has brought our world’s economy to a grinding halt, it’s sent all of the world’s people inside practicing what is now commonplace - social distancing. We’re worried about our jobs, our communities, our economy, our children, our parents, our health, our shared world. We are living in uncertainty and being asked to embrace the unknown which riddles me with anxiety.

One of the biggest sentiments I’m seeing across the social media atmosphere is - “soon we’ll go BACK to normal life…” or “do this now so we can all get BACK to the way it WAS.”

I find I get hung up on this idea of BACK or WAS. Here’s why…

In the midst of this entire pandemic I’m still deep in the depths of my grief journey from losing my Mom in October. I continue to wake up each morning and realize again she’s still gone and then the sadness hits again. Though I will say that recently I have found that I don’t think of the loss every single hour anymore…it’s more like every once in a while throughout my day. The tears are less frequent and the smiles with memories are more commonplace. There is a peace that has replaced the gaping hole in my heart which feels so good. It’s not “progress” as this journey isn’t linear but rather additive. You don’t get over grief you move through it, around it, under it, walk alongside it, hold onto it, distance from it, forget about it, dance with it…as Thich Naht Hahn says, “You need to treat suffering like you would a small child, recognize it and give it a place to rest.”

As this winter started turned to Spring I kept finding myself saying to my husband (and really to myself), “I will get BACK to myself soon, I promise.” or “I will be able to be (insert emotion) AGAIN.” And until recently I really felt that getting back to the Jill that existed when Peggy was alive was achievable and something I was striving for. The reality…there is no possibility of getting back to that Jill. It’s impossible to go back because that version of myself hadn’t yet witnessed the deep pain of loss, the loneliness of grief, the uncertainty of the future, the abundance of care and love shown to me. That version of myself hadn’t yet truly looked inward and found a resilience that I never knew was there. There is no going BACK to that Jill. Instead I’ve turned to getting to know the new Jill, letting that version of myself emerge and thrive. I’m allowing, permitting, forgiving, expressing, and trying my best to notice how resilience has brought me into this version of myself.

I say all this because I believe that the reality is there is no possible way to go BACK to a version of ourselves that we were before this pandemic came into reality. We are experiencing too many emotions of stress, anxiety, fear, disappointment, doubt, gratitude, love, abundance, silence, loss, boredom, challenge, and all the rest to just go BACK to who we were before this began. Our nation, our world will be different, we’ll have this deep palpable understanding of how quickly our everyday lives can change. We’ll have unbounded appreciation for our teachers and healthcare workers, our elderly. We’ll realize that there is a simple joy in attending our yoga classes with 15 others in reaching distance. We’ll nod our heads in gratitude when we’re in a meeting together with our coworkers. We’ll savor every bite of our favorite dish at our local restaurants. We’ll hug our friends a little tighter. We’ll sing to our favorite bands shows a little louder. And yes, we’ll flash a knowing smile when we get to the toilet paper aisle and it’s fully stocked.

There’s a saying in sailing that goes “A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.” And we can sure attest to that as our inaugural sail from Portland to Portsmouth taught us. I wrote back then, “We were different, we felt stronger and also so humbled by what we’d come through. We’d learned the inconsistent and powerful nature of Mother Ocean and the steadfast strength of our boat. We’d also learned a lot about ourselves, we’d cheated disaster, we’d rallied through with many surface bruises from being tossed around on deck but with a strength and trust in ourselves that can only be achieved when you conquer something like we did.”

And so it goes today with this life altering, unprecedented time in our world, there is no going BACK because what we’re experiencing now will forever leave a mark on our hearts and in our memories. We will move forward and we’ll evolve, expand, transform and be enlightened. Who we become after this experience in our shared world is yet to be written but one thing is for sure - it won’t be anything like what it was before because we are different, we are stronger and more resilient just for having the unique PRIVILEGE of living through it.

Sunrises over the mouth of Portsmouth Harbor as we set sail again even after weathering a major storm…resilience.